i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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