Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
