Who wears a wallet chain?!
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Randomize
