lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.�
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
