You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
