It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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