is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
