the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
