I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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