We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
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