At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
