It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
