Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
