I got her a Nickelback box set.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
