She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
