Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
