I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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