Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
