he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
