It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Dignity is for republicans.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
