it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
