i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
