I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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