That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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