My nipple is on Facebook.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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