Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
