Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
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