You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
