Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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