Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
