i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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