I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
