So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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