last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
