Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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