Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
