he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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