I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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