The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
