We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
