On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
