Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
