When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
