He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
