Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
