I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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