It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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