if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
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