I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
she peed on how many people?
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Randomize
