Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
